Mike Jennings.co.uk

All I seem to do nowadays is worry.

I've got an interview in London on the 6th November and I'm, of course, nervous about that.

Lately though, all I seem to think about is the future.

Job-wise, who knows. The interview in a couple of weeks might go well, it might not. Even then, there's the prospect of either commuting to London or moving closer. I could also look more actively for jobs in Reading, and I'll be applying for jobs in Bath if and when they become available and the time is right.

The problem is that there's just so much uncertainty. I could get a job in any number of places doing any number of things, at any number of different times, for any number of different salary packages. Who knows.

Often it's pretty much, well, terrifying. I could end up living or working in a city, of commuting. It's real life. I'd have to find a place to live - whether renting my own place or in a house with other people or, well, whatever arrangement. It all depends on money and eventual jobs and all that sort of thing.

I have lots of mood swings regarding this, from total and utter sheer scared panic to a bit more confidence whereby I think it'll all be alright in the end.

The thing that's most worrying, though, is the inevitability of it all. I'm going to get a job somewhere, I'm going to move out. I'll move out into the real world with responsibilities and commitments, budgets, mortgages (somewhere down the road, anyway) and, talking of roads, a car. I can't wait until I can pass my test because, even though running a car will most likely be expensive, I can see it being a great source of escape.

It all seems perfectly doable. I've moved out before, obviously, and that worked out fantastically. I guess I had it in my head that I'd be coming home at the end of it. Whatever happens now, though, is more permanent. And it's real, it's my life - they're big decisions and the prospect of making them makes me very, very scared. Often, when I think about it, I run cold.

At the moment I feel alright about it. But even in the periods when I feel alright, and start to think that it'll be OK whatever happens, I still feel a tremendous sense of foreboding all over me. Thankfully the more optimistic moments are becoming more prevalent than they were at the beginning of the week.

I keep thinking that, at the moment, home is great. The house is lovely and full of nice things. And it's taken my parents about 25 years to get this far. I've got this all ahead of me - in an aggressive and expensive property market, no less - before I get anywhere near something like this. If everything goes to plan. Who knows what'll happen?

I keep forcing myself to do things, I don't feel as if I have much of a choice. I'm always looking for jobs and work, no matter where it is, because it's something like postponing the inevitable if I don't. I've only been home from Uni 6 months and I'm already doing this, though. Part of me questions why I'm trying to rush into a job and get out into the real world so soon; that I should wait, keep freelancing, build up contacts and earn some money from it first before diving in to a job. Again, who knows. I'll have to see how various interviews and applications go, perhaps.

We're having fish and chips for dinner tonight and it'll be nice. The house is warm and well-furnished - it's my home. There's Sky TV and fast Internet and it's, well, as I say - home. I don't know how long left I have, though. That's the worst thing. I could, even, not go into journalism. I could try and find something better paid but a little further away from what I want to do. Part of me's asking if by trying to get a magazine job or something so soon that I'm not evaluating the options open to me enough.

This week, though, I did get a copy of Football Manager 2008 for review purposes. Which is nice.

I'm sure that Facebook is a little weird. I signed on today to see that about 10 friends from my old school have become friends with someone else from school. I know from experience - after all, I did go to school with them all for seven years - that, at the time, most of these people were too intimidated by the friendee's popularity to even talk to her.

And therein is the odd magic of Facebook.

I've got a huge amount of people from my school and 6th form on my list, but none of us ever talk. Most of them are people, when we were at school, didn't communicate much either. A few are my close friends from the time who I'll still chat to if I see them in the street. As far as I can tell, we're friends on Facebook for no other reason than we had a passing acquaintance five years ago and because Friend Finder hauled their email address from some long-forgotten account. I'm also convinced that most of us stretch no further than quiet curiousity at whatever random application, wall-post or photo appears on the newsfeed every day.

Yeah - Facebook's odd.

I've just watched, for the first time in my life, an entire game of Rugby.

To say I'm not convinced about it's worth is an understatement.

As far as I can see, a game of rugby involves two teams of 15 men, all of whom line up. They then run at each other, have a bundle, and either push each other to the sides of the pitch or kick the ball in the air.

Then it all happens again, and occasionally a ball happens to fall between the two giant posts at either end of the field. This is, apparently, allocated a random number of points between 3 and seven, and it all starts again. And this was the World Cup final!

It doesn't help that they all wear tiny little shorts and seem to enjoy jumping on each other. There's no need - when all that's required is the ball to be passed backwards so play to resume - for about sixteen lumpy blokes to jump on top of each other and have a grope. I won't even mention the extreme macho manliness of the whole affair that just reeks of overcompensation.

Anyway. Had an interesting week.

I applied for a staff writer job with www.Hexus.net at the beginning of October, but recieved nothing from them, so assumed the worst. I then got a phone call on Wednesday asking me if I was still interested. I searched my inbox, spam and trash filters and yep, nothing. I then got a phone call on Thursday morning to see if I could be in Convent Garden by 4pm for an impromptu interview. Gulp.

So Mum and Dad drive me up - I was going up by train but Mum was lured by the shopping, I think - and end up in a very nice cafe being interviewed by 6 people after having almost no time to prepare. Talk about nerves. They said they'll let me know in a few days, but jeez. Talk about nervewracking.

I also got an email yesterday saying that PC Pro magazine, again in London, are inviting me for an interview - which is very exciting. It's on November 6th so I have time to prepare. All very exciting!

I just hope I don't have to watch more rugby any time soon.

So, I log on to the computer to get some work done before going out in a bit. My homepage is BBC News and the top headline reads as thus:

'Obesity Linked to Climate Change'

Bloody hell.

I know people go over the top about Climate Change and that it's a pretty handy buzzword that people like to use these days for anything that's vaguely environmental. Al Gore's even managed to land a Nobel Peace Prize for travelling the world spouting it, even though his Oscar-winning film was found to contain 9 scientific errors after it was included in a pack to be sent to schools. With no material included to present the other, perfectly valid side of the argument. After the shocking news that a Politician lied and manipulated the media available to him to personal gain, factsheets were included in a new pack to enable students to see both sides of the coin and form their own opinions. Which was nice of them.

I don't know where that tangent came from. Anyway.

I'm not sure why that headline has been written the way it has. Actually, I do - but I don't like it. The crux of the story is that Obesity could, potentially, be a 'problem' as big as climate change in the near future. The headline, though, is misleading. It could quite easily say 'Size of Obesity problem compared to Climate Change' but, of course, that won't get as many hits. And there's the problem. A scaremonger of a headline, like 'linked to climate change', will get more hits. Never mind the corporation's alleged impartiality and dismissal of ratings and hits in favour of quality, professional journalism.

Update: Linked has now been changed to 'likened'. It seems the BBC do listen to me after all. ;)

Yes, Top Gear is back - the best motoring program in the world has returned.

And, as usual, it was excellent. The modified Golf was absolutely mad, the journey across Europe was comedy gold - May calling Clarkson a 'big fat cunt' a particular highlight. As was seeing him naked.

Loved the mocking of Fifth Gear, too, as it's obviously an inferior show. I'm also not surprised at all that they torched the Top Gear storehouses whilst they were off air.

Went to watch Maidenhead last night and saw them triumph in a very convincing 3-0 victory of the poor Hayes & Yeading United - two teams who merged, for business reasons presumably, in the summer. There was a bit of bite to the match with plenty of lunched, and sometimes quite violent, challenges flying in. There were even a couple of bookings - I would estimate that I see one booking for every three or four matches at York Road - for challenges that would result in a brawl in the Premier League. A competitive edge was also provided by the fact that Yeading are Maidenhead manager Johnson Hippolyte's ex-club and several players from both teams have switched places in previous years. The only disappointment was the lack of bacon - I couldn't have a Magpie Burger, instead having to survive on mere beef and cheese alone. Chips were excellent, mind.

Work-wise, it's looking quite good at the moment. As well as the usual sites I write for (about 5 at last count, although the postal strike is playing havoc) I'm currently negotiating (that sounds so cool - in reality it should read 'begging) to write for a couple of computer magazines and am already writing a feature for weekly PC mag Micro Mart. I also intend to start reviewing mobile games for PocketGamer.co.uk soon and PC, PS2 and PS3 games for 3'saCrowd soon, too. So, it's all going good. I think.

I'm going to have to put a big post up as to which console to get - PS3 or 360. I'm pretty sure it'll be Sony's machine, but the Microsoft lump is nagging at my mind. Oh well.

I've perfected my three-point turn!

I've not long finished watching Lewis Hamilton royally screw up his chances of walking out of China with the Formula 1 World Title swinging, tauntingly, around his neck, having robbed it away from the professional cheater that is Fernando Alonso.

If you haven't seen it, Hamilton slid off the circuit when driving into the pit lane, and into a gravel trap - and was forced to retire when he couldn't get any grip and get his car out.

I just can't believe both the driver and the team left it that late to haul him into the pits. Raikkonen, the eventual winner, was closing on him - and had passed him - and Alonso, his main championship rival, was closing. He even took 7 seconds off Hamilton one lap as the British driver skidded through every corner and almost went off several times previously.

McLaren have said that they kept Lewis out as they were unsure whether the weather would change and allow Lewis the grip he needed, and was lacking, to be able to complete the race. None of them seemed to notice that Hamilton's rear right tire was so badly worn that the vinyl beneath the rubber could be seen as a thick white strip around it's circumference. Hamilton couldn't see, we know that much - the spray from the road in his mirrors made it impossible - but the team, on the wall of the pit-lane, must have known. Their drivers are covered by hundreds of cameras and every item of the car is measured and monitored by huge swathes of computing equipment.

So, they left him out there, lap after lap - every lap the chance of him skidding off rising - to see if the weather would change. It's no good saying that Alonso would have passed him and cut his lead in the Championship, sending the race down to the wire in Brazil, if Hamilton had pitted. Alonso still had to pit, too, so any advantage gained would be negated not too far down the road anyway. Couple that with the increased grip Hamilton could have had and he would have secured second place, and the world title.

As it stands, though, it's down to the last Grand Prix. It's going to make for a scintilating, exciting climax to the season at one of the finest circuits on the calender, if they don't crash into each other on that epic rollercoaster of a first corner. But, for all the excitement, it would have been nice for Lewis to be able to stroll around Brazil, instead, on a lap of victory. It's a two-week wait until the season finale, during which time the pressure will build. Hamilton's handled this season almost impeccably - far better than his team-mate, the Borat lookalike who asked a Ferrari test driver for confidential information to improve his car - but cracks, perhaps, could be starting to show: just look at the furore over his encounter with Mark Webber at the rain-doused Japanese Grand Prix last weekend.

Soon after I left University, I had 2 leads regarding permanent jobs that I fully intended following up. One was an advert for a Staff Writer position on Gamesmaster magazine which I applied for mid-way through August. The other was the assurance that, at some point - hopefully in the near future - PSM3 magazine, where I did a week of (I thought very positive) work experience in mid-June.

Like I said, I applied for the Gamesmaster job and found out on Monday that my application was unsuccessful. That was, understandably, a bummer. Slightly skittish as to my long-term job prospects, I emailed Dan, the editor of PSM3, to enquire about the job. The last I'd heard was that they couldn't make any concrete plans for the job, and that situation is still true - he can't say they're going to be advertising it for 3-6 months, or when PS3 sales pick up: whichever happens first.

So, for the near future at least, my two job leads have evaporated. That's a double bummer.

Yes, a double bummer - stop laughing.

It leaves me in a bit of a conundrum. Do I carry on freelancing from home, with only some work being actually paid with money, and wait for the (potentially never-happening) PSM3 job to arrive, or do I carry on freelancing and keep looking for a permanent job, too? I guess it's the latter. I'm always on the lookout for a 'real' job - as my dad would call it - as I get plenty of journalism-related newsletters and emails that post most of the advertised jobs in the industry, but there's just not that much out there. In some ways I'm restricted by my degree, because newspaper 'serious' journalists - i.e. the news, not the entertainment reviews etc that I'm doing at the moment - need the NCTJ certification before they'll be employed, most of the time. That shouldn't hopefully, be too much of a problem though as I'm more attracted to magazine journalism.

I think the problem is more in my head than it is in the real world. I'm doing pretty well: my own page in a newspaper, writing for 5 websites, written in a magazine and hopefully getting more work from them in the near future and going to write (quite lucratively, I hope) for 2 more websites quite soon. I'm always busy as there's always games to review and articles to write and emails to send. I just have this nagging feeling, though, that it's not quite good enough. I know that if I sit down and say to myself that I've done all these things that I'm doing well and I have little to worry about, yet. I think I have this idea in my head that, because I've been graduated now for about 3 months, I should have a job and be earning money and independent rather than freelancing from home and struggling to get out of my overdraft. I had so many expectations - first it was moving to Bath by September, then by Christmas - that have all just recently, spectacularly, failed to come to fruition.

The urge to have some sort of real job is biting because, at the moment, I feel quite uncomfortable describing myself as a Freelance Journalist. I'm earning a little bit of money from it and just start out, and dad's been reassuring me that I'm doing tremendously well for someone who's just graduated, but I just can't share his optomism. I have a strange idea in my head that I can't be a 'proper' journalist because I haven't fulfilled all those hopes that I'd be moving to Bath into a house with some cool people and having a happy, albeit modest, existence.
It's an unusual, and omnipresent, nagging feeling. It's like the journalism I'm doing at the moment - and, as I said, I'm busy - is all well and good, but eventually I'll have to give it up and get a real, boring job. I try to reassure myself sometimes that I'm following a dream of sorts - I've always wanted to be a games journalist, I'm doing an awful lot of games journalism at the moment, and I still have the prospect of that job coming available before Spring next year. There could also be plenty of other jobs advertised in the meantime, I have no idea. I'll definitely keep looking, as I will do elsewhere; everywhere I can, in fact, because something even better might appear. Who knows. There's just a lot of uncertainty, at least in my head, at the moment. To an outsider I might seem like I'm doing really well, or I might be entirely vindicated, I don't know. It's as if my safety carpet - the chance to go for those two jobs, very soon - has been yanked out from under me, and the future suddenly looks a lot more blurry. It might be good, or it might be bad. Who knows. It's the not knowing that's the worst part.

In other news, this is my 90th post. Go me!

I must address something first.

I'll kick your ass at Pro Evo, Blackborow!

I booted up Pro Evo for another go today. And, after yesterday's post, I realised I've completely missed the point. Because when you're playing multiplayer, the graphics don't matter.

We've got a new BT Home Hub - it just arrived one day - and it's brilliant. I just connect PS2 and Hub with an ethernet cable and I can take my console online, which I've never been able to do before. It only took about 10 minutes to set everything up and I was away. It's also easy to play, as you can forego the endless searching through lobbies of players by selection some basic parameters and letting 'quick match' find an opponent for you.

It's not quite as good as playing with your friends, next to you, but playing online is close. It's a different kind of multiplayer, certainly: sort of like striving to uphold your honour against an unknown - but just as human - opponent. The battle is concentrated down to your football skills instead of being diluted through other mediums - like hitting someone with a controller or swearing at them across the room being perfectly acceptable alternatives to a thirty-yard screamer. It's you, him, and a ball. That's it.

So, I logged on and I didn't do too badly. One loss, one draw, and 2 convincing wins. I have no idea who I was playing, really, as I could only see his username and whatever word means 'good' in his language, but it was entertaining all the same. The game was totally devoid of my problems from yesterday, suddenly being injected with pace, urgency and the unpredictability of another human as opposed to the routine, slow build-ups and repetitive schemes of play from the AI.

Pro Evo's alive again.